So here we are. You’re reading this blog, which is a clear sign to me that you have been dealing with a complex web of verbal, emotional, and financial abuse for years. If you’re like other clients of Seabrook Family Law, you are at your wit’s end and are mentally and emotionally exhausted. You are absolutely ready for a divorce but guess what? You’re terrified.
The abuse you’ve suffered usually involves serious threats about what a potential divorce will be like. You have been promised that divorce will be exponentially worse than marriage.
While divorcing a narcissist is difficult, there are certain approaches you can take to minimize the damage. Narcissists thrive on control, manipulation, and conflict. If you’re going through this in California, formulating an effective strategy is paramount to limiting the time this case takes and the damage that can be done.
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Move First and Push Your Case Forward
Generally, there are two pathways to finalize a divorce in California. The first involves coming to agreements on the issues of your case with your spouse. These issues typically involve child custody and visitation, child and spousal support and division of assets. There are many cases where the attorneys for the parties can get together in a conference room and hash out global settlement agreements. The cases that settle in this fashion generally have two people who are handling the issue of divorce in an amicable way. Lots can get done very fast in these situations.
The second way to finalize the divorce process is to put these issues to the court through motions and requests for trial. This is where you have the judge make decisions on the issues in your case.
When divorcing a narcissist, most clients come to my firm hoping we will put in place a plan that will avoid a fight. They are mentally and emotionally exhausted from the abuse they’ve suffered at the hands of their spouse. We usually advise against this. The safer approach is to pursue remedies in court more than attempting amicable settlements.
Too often, the narcissist will feign interest in coming to agreements with you and waste time and money. If your attorney suggests that you try to settle the case out of court, you could be in for a longer, more drawn-out process, a more emotionally taxing process and a more expensive process. For most people it can be cheaper and quicker to come to agreements outside of court.
Not for the person married to the narcissist. You’ll set settlement conferences, exchange documents and proposals, endure long expensive meetings, and have “tentative agreements” drawn up by your attorney (not his). Then he/she won’t sign. Thousands of dollars in fees and months of your time can be wasted pursuing this strategy.
File the divorce petition first. And put your story in your moving papers, writing to the court in detail the full story before your spouse has a chance to introduce lies and half-truths to the Court.
Have the court date ready. You can listen to settlement offers from the narcissist spouse, but do not give up that court date without agreements signed and filed with the court. The narcissist intends to cause you harm. One of the easiest ways to do this is to pretend like they wish to come to terms only to pull the rug out at the last minute and delay your case. Your attorney must put in place a strategy to avoid delay tactics by your ex. Go to court. It’ll be cheaper and quicker and less stressful this way.
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Keep Records
Being married to a narcissist is exhausting. They are expert manipulators and emotional abusers. They lie, distort and engage in systemic gaslighting. Divorcing a narcissist can be easier than being married to one, but only if you have appropriate strategies in place for moving through this process.
- One thing you can do to limit the damage a narcissist can cause and protect yourself is to communicate as much as possible in writing.
- Emails and text messages: Be careful and respectful with your ex in written communication. Write as if the judge is sitting there watching you write out this communication. Every text or email needs to be “brief, informative, friendly and firm” (Bill Eddy, Splitting).
- Journal: Keep a journal or diary of anything that happens in person or over the phone to ensure accurate details of an event are recorded.
- Financial documents: Collect bank statements, tax returns, and other financial records. If you’re reading this before starting the divorce process, please ensure you have a plan to collect these documents secretly in advance of filing.
- Child-related documentation: Keep track of the children’s passports, the parenting schedules, missed visits, or concerning behavior around your children.
These records can be crucial in court to counter false claims or demonstrate patterns of behavior.
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A word on boundaries
Expect your spouse to make every effort to maintain control through his or her usual tactics of constant communication, manipulation, or even intimidation. Trying to counter these efforts is challenging. Doing your best to set boundaries is a pathway to greater sanity.
Generally speaking, these narcissists are going to thrive when they see their efforts at emotional abuse working. If you can manage to take back control of your emotions and realize that the only goal of your ex is to abuse you emotionally, you can find more success in dealing with this person. Limit communication to essential topics, such as the financial settlement or issues with the children. As discussed above, send your ex to voicemail and use written communication, when possible, as it provides a record. Consider asking the court to order the use of applications like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents for co-parenting communication, as they offer built-in documentation features that can be forwarded to the judge at a moment’s notice.
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Prioritize Your Emotional Well-Being
Being married to a narcissist will take a toll on your mental health. Likewise, divorcing a narcissist will also take a toll on your mental health. Expect your spouse to engage in tactics designed to provoke you. Understand that this is their goal. To stay grounded:
- Seek therapy or counseling: A professional can help you process emotions and develop coping strategies.
- Build a support system: Surround yourself with friends and family who can provide emotional and practical support.
- Practice self-care: Engage in activities that help you recharge and maintain perspective, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies.
- Respond only as necessary: Do not engage with your ex unless and until it is required.
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Hire a Skilled Attorney
Look for an attorney who has experience in high-conflict divorce cases. They’ll understand how to:
- Anticipate and counter the expected manipulative tactics your ex will employ.
- Advocate for your rights throughout the divorce including property division, child and spousal support, and custody arrangements.
- Present evidence effectively in court.
Look for an attorney who prioritizes your goals and has a solid track record in cases involving difficult personalities.
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Prepare for Custody Battles
If you have children, custody and visitation arrangements may be the most contentious part of your divorce. Expect your ex to use children as pawns to exert control or inflict emotional pain. To protect your children:
- Limit discussion with them about the divorce or any issues surrounding visitation. Do not leave court papers in a place where they can see them.
- Advocate for their best interests with a focus on ensuring a safe, stable, and supportive environment.
- Consider requesting the court to order a custody evaluation: This involves a court-appointed expert assessing each parent’s fitness. The evaluation will then make recommendations to the court on custody and visitation.
- Provide the court with records of any concerning behavior that affects your children.
Family law judges prioritize the child’s well-being and will consider factors like emotional or verbal abuse or any history of neglect.
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Stay Focused on Long-Term Goals
Narcissists love ruining your day. They remind me a lot of internet trolls. They’ll intentionally make a hurtful comment only to see you in pain. If they know they can exert control over your emotional stability, you’ll never get a day off.
However, the legal process is a marathon, not a sprint. Stay focused on your long-term objectives, such as securing fair financial settlements and creating a stable environment for your children. Once your ex determines he or she can no longer manipulate or abuse you emotionally, they will generally look for someone else to control and manipulate.
Avoid being drawn into unnecessary conflicts, even if provoked. Instead, rely on your legal team and support system to help you stay on track.
Final Thoughts
Divorce from a narcissist can be the best thing you’ll ever do. Once you’re through it, your peace of mind will return and you’ll look back on your time in marriage as a bleeping nightmare and be thankful it’s over. This process will require patience, preparation, and a solid legal strategy. By developing a plan and implementing it, documenting everything, and seeking personal and professional support, you can protect your interests and your children emerge stronger from this challenging experience. Remember, while the process may feel overwhelming at times, the ultimate goal is to regain your freedom and peace of mind.
